Silence
by NaniWise
Summary: Dark. Creepy. Sad attempt at a 2017 Souji memorial fic. Yasusada had thought it was funny how screaming sounded so similar to silence.


(By the way, this is intended sorta kind as a Timpeni wannabe fic and as a memorial fic for Okita Souji who died on this day from tuberculosis over a century and a half ago, I think. This is also based off of a tragic headcanon of mine. Unfortunately I did not write it well. It's actually absolutely terrible. That being said, I own nothing and I hope you enjoy! Good day and God bless!)

It was that day so long ago that that sword, Yasusada remembered more vividly than any other.

He could still taste the heat and smell both the dried and fresh blood all around him. He could still remember what color the sky was and what shapes the few white puffs of clouds took. Every word spoken was seemingly etched into his blade with marks irremovable and the final heartbeats of someone special to him still play in his ears every day like a melody that would never go away no matter how long he lived.

He could never and would never forget every word that person said, every word being locked in a special place in his heart like a treasure.

He could never forget his old master but he remembered far far more vividly, like every day he relived the same wretched nightmare, was the silence.

He could never forget the silence when it all was over.

The master called it spiritual shock. Before the swords had human bodies, they were just mere loyal spirits trapped inside silent metal vessels and when a great distress shook that spirit, it would forever damage them.

The master had seen it annually with all her swords. Honebami would be taken by tremors and seizures on the anniversary of his burning. Horikawa would become paralyzed in fear at any point in time if he was in too deep of water. On the day that Imanatsurugis master's life was taken, he'd run into the trees and wouldn't come down all day.

It was a form of trauma that could commonly be caused by being with the corpse of their master for too long. Izuminokami can't properly talk about his own master's death without having a panic attack, not even with Horikawa but even he could admit that if Horikawa wasn't there to hear his screams, if Horikawa's calm spirit was not there to stabilize his own, he would have completely lost his mind.

You could see it in his eyes that he is being completely and utterly honest.

But that's just it. Izuminokami had somebody.

It would be hard to possibly measure the damage done to the spirit who didn't have anyone in such an event. The trauma would become such a vital part of their sense of self that it would be hard to tell truth from their fabricated memories and they would suffer silently.

But that's just it, isn't it.

To stare into the lifeless body of youth taken before its time, not by a sword or anything honorable, but by sickness was enough drive him mad but the silence, the painful suffocating silence that polluted him through the holes in his mind did something far far worse.

The wretched feeling of his whole being screaming out in agony, pure and unadulterated agony, for hours that felt like an eternity had twisted something deep deep inside him, somewhere no one had ever been close enough to see. Something had been perverted and broken beyond repair but he was never quite sure what it was.

Every time he thought about it, every time he truly thought about it, there was a wall made of black bricks. At that point, his mind hurt too bad to think any further and he became practically brain dead in the heat of July.

Perhaps the reason why he pushed his mind so far that his pulse pounded in his head like the hammer that forged him was because it was around this time of year that he lost what truly mattered.

It was around this time of year that he lost his beloved master.

It was a disease that took him, a contagious disease. An unusual disease that, despite being contagious, never took those around him.

It was a curious business as those in close proximity always got the disease but no one in the Shinsengumi did. Yasusada wasn't even sure when Souji got it himself. He just got sick some time after Yasusada was purchased.

Perhaps it was a special strain? Perhaps everyone around was immune?

It was funny how a sword like him really believed the lies he told himself.

He could never manage to take care of the crops. It never mattered what plant it was, be it food, weed or flower. It did not matter how much love or care he put into it, they all dried up. Either that or they drowned from him over watering them.

Just like how Souji drowned very slowly on his own blood. Funny.

He used to always take care of the horses because of how good he was with animals. His favorite was a lovely black horse named Hanataro. He was nice and loved to play. He was also quite easy to ride.

Yasusada remembered how he led Hanataro to the tables after their first mission together.

He woke up that morning to find that Hanataro had died suddenly and inexplicably.

He was sad because he really liked Hanataro. He had difficulty sleeping after that. There was this unshakable feeling that he did something to cause it. Everyone told him that was not so but what did they know about him.

All they knew was what Yasusada and Kashuu told them. They both seemed to genuinely believe it, to.

They told everyone that Yasusada was a good and kind sword that wouldn't hurt anybody even if he wanted to.

That's why Gokatai was allowed to play with him.

That was, of course, until the fell off the roof. It was a miracle that he survived, Yagen says. They say it's because the Toushiro swords are good luck charms that he survived.

It's just that Gokatai has no memory of climbing on the roof and Hasebe hid the ladder for safety reasons a few months before the event. The boy has always been scared of heights and he had never been a good enough climber to reach the roof.

It's possible that he forgot because of the resulting concussion but he always says that his last memory is of Yamatonokami on the rooftop himself. Yasusada has no memory of this, or so he says.

Kashuu always defends his honor, saying that he had been with Yasusada as his roommate and no ill fortune had ever befallen him. He had never so much as been bruised because of Yasusada and that was true.

Yasusada wants to say that perhaps that's because Kashuu is already dead but he keeps silent.

But all these events are in the back of his mind now because they are seen as unimportant.

He looks the they way when Taikogane becomes sick after sparring with him.

When Izuminokami whispers quietly to Shokudaikiri that Yasusada cared little for Souji and that he doesn't understand why he admires him so much, now, he closes his ears.

When Tomoegata asks who was the last to visit the master before sickness befell them, he holds his tongue.

He keeps to silence because it is all a coincidence.

Yasusada Yamatonokami was a good boy, Okita Souji died of natural causes and cursed blades didn't exist.i


End file.
